Of course, exactly what I did during the zombie apocalypse would depend on the type of zombie apocalypse. Fast or slow zombies? Undead rising from the grave a la Night of the Living Dead or living people turned into contagious, flesh-eating monsters? Do we still have a government or electricity? But, in any case, here are the basic elements of my plan:
1) Wear boots.
|I really want these boots.|
2) Let Jeremy drive.
I am a neurotically cautious driver. (My grandmother approves of my top speed and driving technique.) And while I think this is probably a good thing in the real world, it would be exceptionally bad to have a scaredy cat like me behind the wheel in the event of zombies. My husband Jeremy, on the other hand, is a much more. . . spontaneous driver. Sometimes he likes to go fast "just for fun," i.e. to terrify me, and he tends to wait until the last moment to switch lanes or execute a turn. I can't emphasize enough how much I hate this in real life, but I have to admit, he's the one I'd want behind the wheel if zombies attacked. Finally, he could apply his evasive driving maneuvers to a noble cause. Which brings me to the next part of my plan. . .
3) Go to Max's house.
I have exactly one friend who owns any firearms and knows how to use them properly, and that is Max. However, Max is a libertarian, so if I want the benefit of his shooty-knowledge, I'd better. . .4) Have something to contribute to post-apocalyptic society.
I'm never going to be an expert marksman or deerstalker (See here.), I can't start a fire with two sticks, and I doubt my typing speed or knowledge of graphic novels would be particularly useful in the even of a zombie apocalypse. But! I'm not entirely useless. I can sew, make bread from scratch, and sort of grow food. And look how good I am at planning stuff. Plus, I own a awl and a machete! Okay, I co-own the machete with my husband, but the awl is all mine. (If you're wondering why we co-own a machete, it's because of the dreaded Tree of Heaven forest trying to overtake our front porch. It's the only way to combat them.)
|Tree of Heaven, aka "The Devil Plant." Photograph by Paul Wray of Iowa State University|
How will you spend your zombie apocalypse?